IN SHOEBOYSGAN, WISCONSIN…
Oxford: Tell me again, what exactly is it you ShoeIns do?
Cap’n Toe: Well, we’re very dress conscious and we’re just doing our little part to keep society properly garbed. It’s not so much what you do in life, it’s how you do it that counts. My brother and I are known by several names. The Fashion Fighters, the Scuff Links etc. An example is when we both spot a man who has simply forced his heel into a shoe without a horn and crushed the heel cap. *We both are gifted and can “hear” shoe screams in the spirit. At that point, what I do is to kindly approach a man head on and feign seeing some money under his steps (in a way I do, as shoes are not cheap). I dive down and then yell “Eureka!”. That distraction allows me to gingerly raise one calf ever so slightly, anchor the heel cap and then allows my brother to then approach from the rear and insert a 15-inch shoehorn to be left there as a walking bookmark, a fashion reminder of sorts. When he gets home perhaps, he will give pause as to how he treats man’s best friend excepting Fido. That is just one of our rescues.
Critically now, we are in the midst of a gabardine crisis and who knows where and when it shall end. It began with the well-off abandoning suddenly and shockingly the star of the show, the tie! Yes, no typical tie, bow tie, or even a bolo! Now here we have perhaps a $1,000 suit with padded shoulders which abruptly plunges into sartorial Death Valley! The top button wonders why he landed on that shirt and the collar’s nothing to conceal. By the way, my brother and I follow the Noah’s Ark dimensions in suit recommendations. $300 for the suit, $50 for the shirt and $30 for the tie…after all, it is the tie that binds. And one can halve those prices as well, that’s perfectly fine. Finally, to introduce a little cachet, like those clip-on ties, we’ve marketed a well-concealed nasal clip mustache for evening occasions.
DANIEL HOLLORAN, AUTHOR OF: HE STICKETH CLOSER AND INDANDESCENCE
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