ABDICATING THE CONSONANTS…
TAXI TIME, BACK SEAT MANHATTAN…
Gil Grammarian: Thank Goodness, thought I’d never get picked up. Ned, Ned, thanks for the lift, running late for a speaking engagement… It is Ned, isn’t it, that’s what your card says..
Ned: Ure Is, Ed’s Y Ame…
Gil: What’s with the gag, going ‘nonymous?
Ned: Ere Oo?
Gil: Huh? Get me to Madison Square Garden, CrustMasters…dropping a few crumbs…
Ned: Ead Is…
Ned, finger steering, deftly slaloms around the emerging sewer worker via the manhole cover in Times Square. He then absentmindedly said to no one in particular, as only New Yorkers can do, “Wonder when’s the last time a Gray Squirrel successfully crossed 42nd Street to attend a showing on the Great White Way?” Hey! Belt that briefcase in! No need to imprint the make across my neck! I’ve enough ads ridin’ my roof. He then simply passes back a notice without looking back to Ned…
Gil reads the following: Out of towner, welcome to NYC. If my communication seems odd, that’s because it is. I used to be as you are until I moved here and fell into the beyond hectic pace in the Apple’s core. We naturally here do all we can to cut corners and to shorten things to move on, So Long, Long Island. One tack we take is eliminating consonants. After a while it’s 2nd nature and the natives here get used to it. We can’t go the other way dropping vowels. Practice the following. At your favorite deli, what to add to eggs over easy? Why, Alt ‘N Epper. Best team in MLB, those Anks, O Ourse. Where to scope a Tyrannosaurus? Useum of Atural Istory, And O On…
Ned: O, Ormally I only op or AXI, AXI!
Gil: Ned, I’m from the country, Williamsburg, P A, Little Leaguers. What say, want to return with me for a bit, the slower pace and greenery will restore all your alphabet, we’ll fix the 26. Then you can return to this hyphenated race track of yours… What do you say?
Ned: Ounds ood, en o ack?
DANIEL HOLLORAN, AUTHOR OF: HE STICKETH CLOSER AND INDANDESCENCE
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